i'm still here

A friend of a friend posted this on their fb today and I loved it.

The past two years have really just been a whirlwind of changes in our household, and I'm figuring out, once again, that this is true and ok. It's the ones that stick that are supposed to.

I've always tried to keep a positive spin on life, whatever the current state of it is.  I remember making a conscious decision in high school to smile, even when you don't want to. I'm trying to bring that back and be the smiley girl.  Because life is good, you know? Even messy life. Even the "I really don't know how this is going to work out" life.  It's all good, you just have to look for the good a little bit harder sometimes.

So, I am looking and I am smiling. I am choosing to be grateful instead of fearful, choosing to keep my heart guarded and with the most important people and not worry about the rest. They say that if you want to change the world, go home, and I've been doing that a lot lately.  Making sure that I am a wife and a mom that is available, yet still making time to cultivate myself. Home has changed though and kids are grown. Trying to figure that all out too. It's a beautiful, messy part of life right now. This guy that I married 21 years ago, we are figuring out what to do with spare time and while paying for big kid dreams. I like the addition of fishing and kayaks, and there are rumors of cruisers too. 

I'm thankful he is my built in best friend.  Our relationship works.  It always has.  Either adventuring or just being home, it's comfy.  I like that.  I'm thankful for that.  He is truly my expert, the expert of me.  He knows the best about my self doubting, strong will, I do what I want-ness. :) 

There is a ring around my finger that says one word: limitless. I'm gonna continue to roll with that idea.

 

August-isms

Wow, I am hideous at updating this thing...

Well, this is the last week of summer for the kids.  As of next Monday, I will have a Freshman and a Junior, both in band, both marching this season.  Life is about to get very busy for us.

This year is different for me though...

For one, I have a job.  Not subbing, which I love, but clerical, for a great company with great employees that I am enjoying very much!

For two, I am running again, which is amazing.  I've gone from c25k in January, to just finishing half marathon training this past week.  I've lost 25 pounds.  I've gained friendships.  I'm kinda confident now, which is awesome.

I'm not as afraid as I usually am about the kids going back...  I still am not a fan of thinking about what little time I have that they will be home and need me, but I have my stuff now.  I think God set me up.  He knows me too well. This job, seriously a gift, and my running club, seriously the best thing that has happened to me since the day I met Josh and when the kids were born.  I don't feel intimidated by anything really, I can look in the mirror and like who I see...  Heck, I can run for two hours plus.

This is very rambly...  I was feeling so "writey" too.  Not that you guys actually read this anyway. :)

Most kids

"Most kids did this"... The automatic shut off statement for a fed up parent of ab ADD kid. Good grades, bad grades, all the same, minus 3 teachers in 9 years.

I'm done explaining my child to those that will never understand. They either take it as their mission to "fix" him, which believe me I would have already done if it was a possibility, or give up trying. Every year, same story.

Ugh... If only they saw what I did. Instead, they pass out detentions like candy.

Only four more years!

A home for lil bit

It's amazing to think this bouncy, playful, tail-wagging chi is the same one we took in just a week ago!

We don't own a scale, but it is incredibly obvious she has gained weight!

Excited to see what the next week brings for her!

Breaking the threshold

It's broken, the two mile threshold. After 6 weeks of training, it's finally here. Now it's building, and I'll blink and be running a 5K.

It's really exciting for me. I'm highly motivated by personal goals. My new goal is the 10K, and then the half.

Just really excited today. I feel really good about where I'm at. :)

Speed bump

Lola loved to look out the windows of my car, which would leave little nose prints... I really need to give the car a good cleaning, but I just can't bear to erase all the signs that she existed.

Just a few shots of our new family member and one of my awesome-sauce WRC shirt! :)

Sometimes it's ruff

My family was a little ruff this morning. Yes, I misspelled on purpose.

We've had a good couple of days since Lola's passing, and yesterday we found a new little girl to share our lives with and brought her home. So it should've been good this morning(?), but it was ruff.

Losing Lola hit us all hard, and we've all been going through our own personal struggles as well. And it's been raining, a lot. Something about a lack of sunshine casts a literal shadow...

The only thing I can think to do is pray. Pray for peace in the hearts of my teenagers, pray for joy to be restored and a happy cloud to descend over this house, and everywhere they go. Pray for hugs and knuckle bumps and texts from friends that genuinely care. Maybe something to take their mind off of the everyday drone of life.

Me, I just want to run. In the rain. Maybe dance a little. Deep down inside a voice is saying "Joy comes in the morning, sweetie!" I'm choosing to listen to that voice today.

Just me

I love being a little different. Hence, new tattoo. It's ok if you don't like it, it wasn't for you.

I grew up desperately concerned with fitting in. I was always taller than just about everyone, had to wear boys jeans to get the length I needed, had big feet right from the start. Did I mention baby fine hair that wouldn't do anything? I started getting perms like in 3rd grade...

As I've gotten older I'd like to think that I've found myself. A huge part, if not all of the reason, was Josh. He loved me. He loved everything about me. It was kind of shocking, and definitely something that I wasn't used to.

I've come to the point where I actually kinda like myself. I still have days that I feel mannish and not girly enough, or not "sexy" enough, but there's a stronger voice in my head now that says "Hey Jeni, you are a really cool person." I try to listen to her a lot more now.

My daughter is a big inspiration to me. Although I was criticized behind my back for "letting" her be herself when she was younger (yes, I heard), I'm sure those people might take it back now... She's strong, she's an individual. She'd rather be quirky than "fit in". She shrugs off people that don't accept her because she knows what she wants. She isn't going tp give in to peer pressure because she has goals. We could all learn from watching her. She's so good for me. I've learned in part how to relax and be myself from her.

So, I guess I would challenge you to be who you are. Others won't approve, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. They probably don't get it yet. Hopefully they will some day.

And remember, Jesus wants us to love, above all else, first and foremost. That's loving people for being brave enough to live honestly, even if you don't approve.

So, as I clean my house today in my rockin skull pjs, admiring my new ink when I walk by a mirror, I'll wish for you to be happy too. :)